What to Do If Your Spouse Is Looking at Porn

This article is Part 3 in a 3-Part series on Pornography and Marriage. For more on what pornography is destructive or how to heal from pornography, check out Part 1 and Part 2.

Learning that your spouse is viewing pornography can make marriage feel incredible difficult. The broken trust and loss of intimacy can cause a lot of pain, self-doubt, and insecurity. Pornography doesn’t just negatively affect the one viewing it. Pornography also impacts spouses and whole families.

So, what does it look like to actually work through a spouse’s fight with pornography? If they have confessed or asked for forgiveness, how do you bring yourself to actually grant it? If they are caught in sin or found out, what are you supposed to do with the anger and pain you feel?

If you feel alone or lost, remember that the Lord is still at work in your marriage. Jesus is capable of transforming your spouse’s life and bringing about restoration. And while you are not ultimately responsible for your spouse’s recovery, Jesus still asks you to grant forgiveness and move toward oneness, no matter how difficult it may be.

So, what are you actually supposed to do? What steps should you take if your spouse is addicted to porn? Here are a few things that will help.

5 Things to Remember If Your Spouse is Looking at Porn:

1. It’s Okay to Feel Hurt – If you are the spouse of someone struggling with porn, even the most genuine and heart-felt confession will still hurt deeply. This is okay. Grieving the loss of trust will be part of growing again in oneness. Remember that while "hurt people, hurt people," this doesn’t give us permission to hurt anyone. Their sin against you does not let you sin against them in response. Take time to pray and seek help from others. Be solution-oriented and resist the urge to focus on your anger.
2. Openly Share Your Hurts with Others – When your spouse is viewing pornography, it is normal to feel betrayed. However, this betrayal should not be dealt with alone. A community of believers can provide a safe place for you to work through your hurts with honesty, patience, and encouragement. While you share your hurts, pray fervently that your spouse will continue to do their part to find recovery. Although it may not be easy, work to forgive your spouse. If you struggle to do so, ask God for help and ask other’s for accountability.
3. Handle Their Confession with Care – Remember, how you handle your spouse's confession will have a great impact on whether or not they will continue to confess to you or seek prayer from you in the future. You want your marriage to be a safe place where confession isn’t avoided but embraced. Handling the confessions of your spouse with gentleness and compassion will help to create this safe place. This is will be crucial step in rebuilding trust.
4. Intimacy Can Help in Recovery – When one spouse confesses to viewing pornography, the offended spouse will often retreat completely. This leaves the offending spouse feeling even more isolated than they might of before. However, remember you are the only outlet that your spouse has for God-honoring sex. While taking some time for processing and forgiveness is understandable, also consider asking how you can use sexual intimacy to help your spouse in their recovery.
5. Point Your Spouse to Jesus – God designed marriage so that spouses will help one another become more like Jesus. Even in the midst of hurt and betrayal, you have the privilege of helping your spouse grow to become more like Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:14 says, "And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all." What role do you need to play for your spouse today? Do you need to admonish them, encourage them, or help them? Can you be patient in the midst of their growth? Remember you are not responsible for changing their heart. That is Jesus’s job.

Forgiving your spouse for indulging in pornography is easier said than done. It may be difficult to forgive them quickly. However, just as with pursuing righteousness and purity, it will always be worth it.

You can help your spouse in their recovery from pornography. It might be as simple as reminding them they are not alone and that you are praying for them. Keep in mind that marriages aren’t fixed with a single revelation or one passionate day of granting forgiveness. Marriages grow when spouses daily confess their sins to one another and die to themselves to seek oneness.

Marriage is an opportunity to see the good news of Jesus at work. Every day your spouse sins against you is a chance to speak the gospel over them and over yourself. If you lack the strength or courage, know you are not alone. Rely on Jesus and lean on your community.

Are you looking for more resources on sexual intimacy, confession, and forgiveness? You are not alone. Thousands of couples come to re|engage every year to work through pornography addiction and problems with forgiveness. Check out these testimonies for a reminder there is always hope for recovery.